smallapronMonthly Peeves

If you are a parent of one or more small children that visit a restaurant as a family and allow your children to "play" with the caddies located on the table that contain sweeteners (i.e., Sweet and Low, Splenda, Equal, etc.), when the tots dump the packets on the table and you become embarrassed toward the end of your meal because there is a pile of these covering the table, please just leave them there!! I, as a long time server at a family restaurant which has a significant clientele consisting of families with children, discover after they have left and the table has been bussed, that the parents have, in a hurry, stuffed these condiments quite sloppily back into the container thinking they are helping me. Alas, no!! I am embarrassed by the crinkled paper wads stuffed into these containers by those who think they are doing me a favor, not to mention the mess made on the floor.

—Ben the Jammin, Columbia, SC

I have been bartending at a nation-wide wings joint for 4 years, and have seen about every peeve mentioned here so I had to add 2 more. We have 20 beers on tap, and the taps are very visible from any seat in the bar. When anyone does ask what we have on tap, I start spouting them off in order from most expensive to cheapest. And invariably they let me finish and then say, "I'll have a bud light" HELLO we have 20 beers did you really not think that we have bud light? Also, just about every day someone will sit at the bar and ask "Can I order food here?" This one doesn't even make sense to me, we are a restaurant. I should start saying, "NO you can't you'll have to go sit at that table 2 feet behind you. I'll get you your food there!"

—Tatum, Oklahoma City

  • Don't get me wrong, I love elderly people but dammit, don't empty your change purse on the table and think it will suffice for some sort of "tip". This is the year 2006, not 1954. Especially when all you order is a hot tea and you sit in my section taking up a 2 top for 3 hours.
  • Pleeeeeease place your frickin' credit card in the slot in the checkbook marked "Place your charge card here". That's why it's there! Because otherwise I will have assumed you are paying cash or haven't attempted to pay me at all unless I see it happen.
  • If it's visibly very busy, please be patient. Don't ask me where your food is when it's 3 steps from your table. And don't ask me for a box when I bring it 2 seconds later saying that now you don't have time to eat it!!!!!
  • At the end of the night, don't be the douche bag hanging on the bar asking for "just one more". Take a freaking look at yourself, you alcoholic.
  • Just because I'm a waitress doesn't mean I respond to snaps, whistles, pops, clicks, or beeps. I'm not a freaking robot. You're just hurting yourself in the end anyways.
  • Be nice to the host. Don't be all up in their faces if you can't get a table right away, even if you see that some are open. Chances are the more rude you are, the longer it will take to get you a seat and your service won't be the best. So don't screw yourself before you've even made it into the restaurant.
  • Control your kids. I see it all the time, parents coming in and getting loaded while their kids do whatever they want. Do I look like I'm here to babysit? I once had a two year old pick out every packet from the sugar caddy and lick it and stick it to the table. The sad thing is that she made it through the whole caddy before her parents even dared to reprimand her. It's not like I can tell her not to. Pretty much, my place of business is not your kids' jungle sum it up.
  • Don't try to take anything from my tray! There's a balance going on there and I really don't feel like wearing your cohorts Jaeger bomb.
  • If I'm required to tell you the specials don't interrupt me rudely and say "I just want a cheeseburger and fries". Why don't you just go to McDonalds or at least act like you're eating in a real restaurant.

—Danielle, Seattle, WA